June 19, 2017

When we are tolerating behavior we don't like, it can be because there is a boundary problem. More often it is because we are hooking our feelings on other people's behavior.

For example, it is not a boundary to say, "No, I don't want to go out tonight." That's just sa...

June 19, 2017

 It is its own painful process to watch someone you care about experience and submit to abusive and controlling behavior. Sometimes, we have higher standards for what we want someone we love to tolerate than we have for what we are willing to tolerate for ourselves....

June 19, 2017

When we are living in fear of abuse, when we are controlled and threatened by someone else, we usually think it is happening because of these things:

He is bigger than you.

He is richer than you.

I'm not going to argue with you about those factors. You may have a lot of g...

June 17, 2017

I was talking with a client the other day and she told me that she couldn't decide whether her ex-boyfriend was a hero who had saved her life or a demon who had ruined it. Her brain was going back and forth between the evidence that he was perfection on earth or the wo...

June 17, 2017

One of the bravest things I have ever seen someone do is leave.

Leave a job that was "right."

Leave a marriage that was "perfect."

Leave a school their parents told them was the key to "success."

What lets you know it's time to leave? Here's one answer: when you want to le...

June 17, 2017

I want you to know that wherever you are, whatever you've chosen for your life, and whatever has happened that you haven't chosen, you are in the exact right place to learn happiness.

You may want to tell me that I don't know your circumstance, that I don't know how fru...

June 8, 2017

Good question! What do you need to do to find out if your relationship is abusive or controlling? Do you ask your mom or your friends? Do you consult a guru or ask your pastor? All you can get through those questions is someone else's definition of abuse (or their gues...

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Use Oprah’s Golden Globes acceptance speech to write your career mission statement.

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